I used to be scared of change. But inside of my heart, i am beginning to be exciting to think about starting new things.
You know, two days isn’t long enough to really get to know anybody. But two days in which there are all of 18 somebodies that you are trying to get to know, as well as take care of and organize, well let me tell you, those two days go by faster than you could ever imagine.
When we were in St. Louis working the children’s program for the homeschool conference, Tyler and I had two days to spend with our group of 18ish children. And all of our children were fascinating, and I would have loved to have had a chance to really get to know all of them. We had two little boys who were not allowed to go outside, and who got upset if anyone talked about holidays. And we had a little girl who didn’t talk, not because she couldn’t, but because she chose not to. And we had a girl who cried because she missed her team leader from last year. And a boy who was sweet and kind, but showed distinct signs that he was going to grow up to be a ladies man.
We had all kinds of children that weekend, but the one who got into my heart the deepest was Bekah Perry.
She was the child who had a headache, and was sweet and loving while I pitied and took care of her. But she was also the child who milked that headache, and tried to get me to spend the whole weekend taking care of only her. She was a stinker, but she needed someone. Although she was usually kind to me, she could be a real jerk to other people. And when I tried to scold her for this, she blew up at me, and accused me of not loving her. She said there was no way I could love her, because I didn’t even know her and I didn’t even know her life. That’s a tough accusation from a 9 year old girl. Most kids at that age don’t question people’s sincerity like that. They just accept that they are loved. But Bekah didn’t feel safe just assuming that. She needed to know. And try as I might, I couldn’t prove anything to her. She didn’t know who to trust, and that scared her. She was different, and she felt like she didn’t belong. Her life was hard, and she didn’t know how to deal with it. She had been hurt, and at nine years old, she had learned to not open up. She was the most walled off, closed up child that I have ever met. I only got to know her well enough to see that she needed someone, but I had to say goodbye before I was able to prove to her that some people really do care, and will always be there. With people like Bekah, communicating love takes time. And in those two short days, time was something that I did not have nearly enough of.
I am praying for Bekah Perry, and I just wish that she could know how much her scrunched up, bitter face touched my heart. Bekah doesn’t know this, but real love does happen in as short a time as two days, and I just wish that I had been able to show her that. I want that little girl to know how much I love her.
I think that sometimes i love the relationship more than i love the person. And that is something to be ashamed of.
My one sided conversation with julie: ok. Now we should go to bed. Or maybe i’ll just go to bed and you can stay up. I really don’t care, as long as “i” and “bed” are in the same sentence, without a negative interrupting us.